Guest Post by Sarah Hughes | Update: 01st June 2026
Ok. I’m going to be honest right from the start: This post should realistically have been titled; ‘How to minimise the time your children spend fighting with each other.’ Show me the parent who says their children never ever fight with each other, and I’ll show you a fibber!
As a Mum to three rambunctious, cheeky and competitive boys, fighting is something which is a daily occurrence in my house. And again in the interests of transparency; I’m not talking about a bit of bickering. I’m talking full-force fist fights, headlocks, body slams, kicks that make their poor Mother wince. I hate to do that thing of saying it’s a ‘boy thing’. And usually I take umbrage at people who tell me that boys are programmed to act in a different way to girls. But I have to admit I see this behaviour reflected lots more in my friends sons than in their daughters.
Why do siblings argue?
The thing that frustrates me most about the fighting is that it’s not a true reflection of how my boys feel about each other. They are crazy about each other you see! Best buddies. They laugh til they cry with each other in a way they don’t do with anybody else. They crawl into each others beds in the middle of the night for cuddles despite the clear and present danger that one of them will wee on each other.
So where does this hot-headed aggression which seemingly comes out of nowhere, really come from? There are few things to factor in to answer this question. Hormones, sibling rivalry, changing needs, communication styles, innate temperaments and the role modelling your children have will all contribute to how often they fight and how those fights present themselves. The reassuring thing to remember is that all of these things are natural, normal and they’re all issues which are showing up in families the world over.
Top Tips to minimise sibling arguments
I recently read an article which stated that the patterns we develop with our siblings in childhood, tend to remain and continue into adulthood. This worried me slightly… I admit to picturing Sunday lunches with my 30-odd year old sons beating the crap out of each other over the last roast potato while their bemused wives look on. I decided to do a bit of research into some practical ways I can minimise the frequency and intensity of these sibling blow-ups. Here are five top tips I discovered when it comes to reducing sibling squabbles.
- Let them argue. Yep you heard me! Sibling rivalry is a natural part of our development as humans. Since it’s impossible to avoid all conflict in the real world, allowing your children to experience some conflict at home allows them to develop their negotiation and communication skills within a safe space where ultimately they know they are loved.
- Look after the needs of your individual children. Now this one is way easier said than done! I have three children and there’s only one of me. It takes thought, planning and organisation to be able to carve out time to meet each childs needs. Just try to remember that they are individuals who may need you to communicate with them in different ways. For children who need more physical affection it’s a good idea to set aside ‘cuddle time’ so they know there is a slot, perhaps at the end of the day where they know they can have some one on one time. If they feel their needs are being met they’re less likely to take out underlying frustrations on siblings.
- Praise them when they’re kind to each other. Giving lots of positive encouragement when they are (possibly accidentally!) being nice to each other will let your children see that you notice their good behaviour in the same way you notice the bad.
- Set a good example. I wish I could swear that at the end of a long hard day, I always treat my husband with the utmost care and respect! But in an effort to teach my children to be good siblings, I’m trying to set the example of being a good partner. If children regularly hear unkind, snappy or derogatory communication between adults, they will undoubtedly start to model that behaviour themselves.
- Don’t categorize the victim and the agressor. It’s very easy to fall into the trap of labelling our children. I hear myself regularly saying “Oh he is the one who always starts it.” Or, “He winds his brothers up and that makes it worse.” I’m making a conscious effort to create a truly fair environment and take each individual tussle/WWF showdown on it’s individual merit. Hopefully in doing this the boys will be less likely to feel they’re always going to be treated the same way regardless of their level of fault.
- Even with the best intentions, managing day-to-day family moments can be challenging. Consider a parent preparedness course for practical strategies to navigate everything from toddler tantrums to teenage angst with confidence.
I know all too well how much of a failure it can make you feel to witness your children fighting, especially if it’s in public! Try not to beat yourself up too much. Try out those five little tips, take some deep breaths… and remind yourself that sibling rivalry is actually helping them develop key life skills. If you do worry that things are going too far and that some outside help is required, don’t be afraid to speak to your health visitor or a trusted family member. Sometimes all we need is someone to tell us they’ve been through it… and that one day things will calm down!
Guest Post by Sarah Hughes.
Sarah writes about all things happy and hopeful at www.thegoodthingisthough.co.uk
