I hate Christmas
I hate wrapping presents, I hate writing cards, I hate how every year I say I will be more organised but I never am. I hate the sore head I get after the Christmas party. I hate how it gets my son so excited he is prone to mammoth tantrums and meltdowns. I hate how broke it makes me and I hate that I can’t afford to spend more on those I love. But most of all I hate the hole inside of me. The part that will never forget that one of the most important people in my life is missing. My best friend, my brother. I hate how I miss him desperately each year. Christmas is so hard when there is someone you love missing.
I love Christmas
I love watching my loved ones unwrap the presents I bought them. I love receiving cards from friends who, although we don’t see each other much anymore, always care enough to take the time to write me a card. I love that first exquisite sip of champagne. I love how excited my son is and the joy on his little face. I love the magic that exists at Christmas and how wonderful it is for children. I love that although I can’t afford much it doesn’t matter. I’m with my family and they don’t care because we have each other. And I love the memories. Memories of waking up when I was young and sitting at the top of the stairs with my brother. Waiting in the early hours of the morning for it to be late enough for us to run downstairs and see what Santa had left us. I love the joy that we shared together. Every Christmas, even into adulthood, even up to his last Christmas which we spent together. Driving to mum and dads and there he was, my big bro. Waiting for me at the door, excited, just like when we were kids, even though we were all grown up. I love that although he’s no longer here no one can take away the magic of Christmas that we shared together and no one can take away the love we had or my memories.
So, I both love and hate Christmas. It is a painful, busy and often stressful time of year. It will never be the same when you lose someone you love but it is still magical. The magic is still there when I look at my son’s excited smile and see the wonder in his eyes because Santa’s been. The smile and look on his face so full of happiness, just like his uncles.
And even though I quietly shed a tear each Christmas and I can’t make the ache in my heart disappear no matter how hard I try or how much time passes, I know that he believed in the magic of Christmas. I know he would want us to be happy and I know he will always be with me in my heart.
I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas, no matter how hard, and although behind the bright smiles and in between the happy moments, there is often great sadness, let’s never forget the magic.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I was never lucky enough to have a sibling, but I have lost the greatest man I’ve ever known, my dad. Christmas is so hard and stressful especially when someone you love is no longer there. You have beautiful memories to cherish forever and so many stories about your brother to share with your beautiful boy! Thank you for such a good read.
(Beautyofmychaoticmind)
Thank you so much. Your kind words mean a lot. I am so sorry about your dad. those precious memories are so important aren’t they. x
Sorry to hear of your sadness, I hope you take comfort from the happy memories of your brother. I agree that wrapping presents and writing cards is a chore I could do without each year!
I am so sorry for your loss. Christmas is hard when your loved ones are missing.